The Burma Solution

This is how freedom will arrive in Burma:

Day One:
As the sun rises over the courtyard of Senior General Than Shwe’s secret villa outside Naypyidaw, the capitol created by Burma’s ruthless junta, the morning sky fills with thousands of pamphlets fluttering to the ground. Servants rush out to gather the papers, but the general’s wife, Daw Kyaing Kyain, thinking the servants are stealing fruit, runs out to stop them. She snatches a pamphlet out of a servant’s hands and reads it:
“The generals of the Burmese junta must relinquish power to Aung San Suu Kyi within seven days or they will suffer terrible consequences. All occupants of General Shwe’s house must leave before noon tomorrow.”
“Burma!” says Daw Kyaing Kyain. “What impudence!” She orders all the pamphlets to be destroyed before her husband can see them. The servants are aware of his temper. Their backs tingle with the memory of bamboo lashes the day a package containing women’s panties arrived at the villa. Panties are bad luck, just as the number 8 is good luck. Like all his junta cronies, the senior general does not make a move without consulting his astrologer over matters of luck.

Day Two:
Senior General Than Shwe goes off to meet his cronies in their bunker, and Daw Kyaing Kyain’s driver takes her shopping. Her favourite store sells gold and diamond jewelry for tourists and generals’ wives. When she returns from her expedition with a jade necklace that she did not pay for, she discovers that her beautiful villa is now a pile of rubble and smoke. All the servants are gone. In desperation, she calls her husband’s cell phone even though he does not like to be disturbed when he and his cronies are busy stealing the country’s resources, kidnapping children for its army, intimidating its citizens, or deciding whether to kill all its monks or simply beat them up and torture them. Nearly a minute passes before the Senior General can understand what his wife is saying.

Day Three:
General So Win, Prime Minister of Myanmar, stares at the puffy faces assembled around the oval table. His wife received a mysterious telephone call last night. Someone told her that the junta must transfer power to Aung San Suu Kyi or the junta will suffer terrible consequences. General So Win had a restless night. He dreamed a crowd of people pulled him out of his car and ate him alive. He is still absorbing the news that a guided missile blew up Senior General Than Shwe’s house when his cell phone rings. His hysterical wife tells him they are homeless.

Day Four:
The bleary-eyed generals sit around their oval table. Major-General Nyan Win, the Foreign Minister and a rising star among the junta, reports that all their homes were flattened by guided missiles and that no one has taken responsibility for the bombings. Senior General Than Shwe interrupts his report to ask for names of possible suspects. The Major-General says he does not believe any of the known rebel groups possess the kind of technology that would make such attacks possible.
The Senior General slams his pudgy fist on the table.
“Just tell me who is responsible for these terrorist acts!” he shouts.
“We are almost certain a nation is behind it, sir,” the Major-General replies with a squeal in his voice. “But we cannot rule out a radical group with wealthy backers. We doubt very strongly that any corporations are involved.”
The generals mull this idea over. They quickly eliminate all the nations that have enabled them to become multi-millionaires while Burma’s citizens live in poverty. China, their main enabler, cares only about doing business, and has no love for democracy or human rights. The same goes for Russia, India, the Asean nations, and the Europeans.
“What about the Americans?” asks one of the generals.
Senior General Than Shwe grunts.
“Don’t be foolish.” He notes that, in spite of George W. Bush’s recent pronouncements on Burma, the president still takes advice from Condoleezza Rice who maintains good relations with the junta-friendly American oil giant, Chevron. Two of John McCain’s former aides also maintain contacts with Chevron. No, the Americans may make noises occasionally but they would never harm the profit line of an American corporation.
The generals sit around their oval table with sullen expressions. They each stare at a copy of the dreaded pamphlet. None of them wants to ask what “terrible consequences” they may suffer if they don’t relinquish power.

Day Five:
A very nervous army captain bows to Aung San Suu Kyi outside her dilapidated villa.
“The generals have fled the country,” he says. “The army has no commander.”
The Lady stares at him and says nothing.
“We want you to be the Prime Minister,” the captain says finally. He begs forgiveness for everything the generals have done: for detaining the Lady for 18 years and for all the atrocities they have committed against their people.
The Lady forgives him and the army. Her unwavering belief in the power of nonviolence has been affirmed. The people of Burma celebrate the freedom they have waited for these past 46 years.

In the end, no one is killed. There is no invasion. Neither civilians nor soldiers waste their blood on a senseless war. The Chinese issue their usual statement, deploring the interference of any nation in the affairs of another nation. But they take no action. They can do business with anyone, even a peaceful Buddhist woman. And this is how freedom will arrive in Burma.

Boycott the 2008 Beijing Olympics Now!

China has always been a great nation with two major flaws: excess pride and a disdain for human rights.

Pride helped turn the People's Republic of China into a quasi-capitalist powerhouse. Today it is the major manufacturer of deadly kids' toys, toxic toothpaste, and poisoned pet food. In addition, China produces practically all the crap we wear and most of the junk we buy to fill our homes.

When the International Olympic Committee (IOC) awarded the XXIX Summer Olympiad to Beijing, China's pride went into overdrive. In order to prove itself worthy of holding such a prestigious event, China started leaning on two of its most vile business partners, Burma and Sudan, to soften their murderous ways. It urged Sudan to decrease the number of rapes and killings in Darfur; it urged the Burmese generals to stop beating Buddhist monks—at least until the Olympic games are over.

Normally, China's leaders don't give a rat's hindquarters what its business partners do, but they don't want everyone waving China's human rights record in their faces just before the 2008 Summer Olympics are held in Beijing.

And what a record it is. Hundreds, possibly thousands, of protesters killed in Tiananmen Square in 1989. Hundreds of thousands of Falun Gong practitioners arrested, tortured and killed. Hundreds of Internet dissenters hunted down (with the help of Western service providers), arrested, and imprisoned for decades. Persecution and brutality are meted out to anyone who is considered a threat in China. While the leaders and a handful of industrialists prosper, Chinese cities choke with smog and Chinese factory workers risk life and limb every time they turn on the machines that make our Western goods.

Now there are riots in Tibet. China's leaders were quick to blame the upheaval on the Dalai Lama, which was easier than admitting they treat Tibetans like animals. Somehow, the Chinese government believes it can save face (and pride) by hurling ridiculous accusations at the Nobel Peace prize winner, but they are sorely mistaken.

Whether we are talking about Darfur, Tibet or Burma, China's role is the same: it is directly responsible for the human death and suffering in these regions. That's why anyone with a pulse and a brain has to boycott China's 2008 Olympic games. This event is the only thing that China cares about. It's the only bargaining chip that we will ever have to improve the lives of millions of our fellow human beings.

Unfortunately, we have a tiny window of opportunity to apply pressure to China. The games will be held between August 8-24 of this year. Once the games are over, the Chinese government will return to its old ways, and the people in Darfur, Tibet and Burma will suffer once more.

So, you know what to do. Contact your friends and family, your elected representatives, and your newspapers and radio and TV stations. And complain as loud and as often as you can before the 2008 Summer Olympic Games begin.

Letter to Osama bin Laden

(originally published in Adbusters, Jan/Feb 2007) 

Thanks a lot, Osama. Thanks for turning my wife's birthday into the memory of people leaping out of a pair of ugly burning skyscrapers. Thanks for electing/re-electing Dubbya. Do you really hate us that much? Thanks for Bill C-36 and the PATRIOT Act. Thanks for Afghanistan, the Taliban and women who bump into walls. Crazy, man. Thanks for Iraq. For Zarqawi and his Gang of Beheaders. For Gitmo. For Abu Ghraib. For Lynndie England, the dogs, and naked prisoners stacked in pyramids. Thanks for Roberts, Alito and Anne McClellan. Thanks for the wiretaps. For racial profiling. For stealing our souls. For selling newspapers. For pushy customs agents waving wands between our legs at airports. Thanks for the War on Everything and Nothing in Particular. Thanks for all the dead people. Thanks for the 72 virgins in Paradise. (Who knew?) Thanks for the geography lessons. Thanks for helping us ponder Islam. For the Danish cartoons. For all the IEDs and one-legged soldiers. For Americans yearning for freedom in Canada. For Stephen Harper and the Fraser Institute. For giving Exxon its best year ever. Thanks for 9/11, 24/7, man. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

The Daily Show Disses Kucinich

Usually, I love watching Jon Stewart. Today, however, I feel ticked off at the host of the Daily Show. No, it’s not because he keeps inviting rightwing guests like John McCain and Dennis Miller. And it’s not because the current writers’ strike has thrown Comedy Central into perpetual rerun mode. Even a repeated dose of the Daily Show is still funnier, smarter, more irreverent, more informative, and, yes, more timely than practically anything else you’ll see on your TV.

What annoys me is the shabby treatment that Stewart has dished out to the only honest U.S. presidential candidate. Dennis Kucinich wants every American to have healthcare and social security. He’s the only Democratic candidate who voted against the Iraq War and the vile Patriot Act. He’s the only Democrat in Congress who has the guts to impeach White House criminals like Dick Cheney. He’s the only candidate who believes there should be a Department of Peace. He’s the only person who could lead the United States in a sane direction. And yet Stewart insists on treating him like a joke.

I became a Daily Show watcher practically from the first day it appeared on Canadian airwaves in 2003. I rejoiced over the fact that, finally, a TV program was skewering Republican bullies and shining a light on the rats pretending to be reporters over at CNN and Fox. Jon Stewart was, and still is, sharp and terrific at reporting events that the mainstream media ignore.

And then a couple of things happened.

Stewart, who stands a mere 5' 7", began taking cheap shots directed at Kucinich’s height and appearance. It’s tasteless, I thought, but I let it slide. It was just Jon Stewart, who admits to being a dick at times, being Jon Stewart.

And then Stewart turned his sights on Kucinich’s younger, taller, more eye-appealing wife Elizabeth. You wouldn’t know it from mainstream media reports (MSM), but Mrs. Kucinich is smart, concerned and articulate. Just like her husband. She would make a great First Lady, but first she has to get past the MSM’s perception of her as a tongue-studded bimbo. This view of her was reinforced on the Daily Show’s incredibly stupid FLILF skit (see The Urban Dictionary for the meaning) in which fake-news reporter Jason Jones ogled Mrs. Kucinich and delivered a loud, mindless voice-over while she talked about her husband’s plan for universal healthcare.

According to the website Daily Show News (no relation to the show), Stewart soon joined the moron set on the subject of Mr. and Mrs. Kucinich’s relationship. “He’s gotta be swinging some pipe,” the web site reported Stewart as saying. “It’s the only explanation.”

Just before the writers’ strike went into effect, Stewart took another underhanded swipe at Kucinich. He showed a film clip taken from the October 30th Democratic candidates’ debate in Philadelphia. In the clip, Tim Russert (a man whom Stewart says is one of the few serious journalists in America) asked Kucinich if it was true, as Shirley MacLain wrote in a recent book, that Dennis Kucinich had once seen a UFO.

“Yes, I did, Tim,” Kucinich replied. Daily Show viewers did not hear the rest of Kucinich’s reply, however. Kucinich knew he was being singled out and marginalized with this frivolous question, so he answered it in the spirit it deserved. He reminded Russert that Jimmy Carter had also seen a UFO. (He could have reminded Russert that Ronald Reagan also saw a UFO, but TV is the land of lost opportunities). Finally, he let Russert know that he wasn’t talking about seeing aliens, which is what the question implied. Kucinich’s complete reply is available on YouTube for anyone who is interested in what he actually said.

Immediately after he showed the clip, Stewart had one more mocking remark for Kucinich before cutting to a commercial.

“Sanjay,” he said, adopting a fake Indian accent, “Why are you still in the competition?” The line was a hip reference to a popular but untalented American Idol contestant. Stewart’s meaning was clear: Kucinich is not only a kook, but he’s pathetic as well.

Phony politicians are numerous and they are fair game for the Daily Show’s brand of satire. But Kucinich has integrity. He actually believes in a decent, honest republic. He does not deserve the insensitive one-liners hurled at him by late night piranhas like Jay Leno and David Letterman. He does not deserve the Dan Blathers of Media Land who ignore him in favour of corporate lapdogs and cheerleaders of war. He does not deserve the barbs of anonymous bloggers who sneer at his appearance without weighing his positions. He certainly does not deserve to be dismissed by the one man who surely knows that the Presidency is more than a beauty contest.