The Burma Solution

This is how freedom will arrive in Burma:

Day One:
As the sun rises over the courtyard of Senior General Than Shwe’s secret villa outside Naypyidaw, the capitol created by Burma’s ruthless junta, the morning sky fills with thousands of pamphlets fluttering to the ground. Servants rush out to gather the papers, but the general’s wife, Daw Kyaing Kyain, thinking the servants are stealing fruit, runs out to stop them. She snatches a pamphlet out of a servant’s hands and reads it:
“The generals of the Burmese junta must relinquish power to Aung San Suu Kyi within seven days or they will suffer terrible consequences. All occupants of General Shwe’s house must leave before noon tomorrow.”
“Burma!” says Daw Kyaing Kyain. “What impudence!” She orders all the pamphlets to be destroyed before her husband can see them. The servants are aware of his temper. Their backs tingle with the memory of bamboo lashes the day a package containing women’s panties arrived at the villa. Panties are bad luck, just as the number 8 is good luck. Like all his junta cronies, the senior general does not make a move without consulting his astrologer over matters of luck.

Day Two:
Senior General Than Shwe goes off to meet his cronies in their bunker, and Daw Kyaing Kyain’s driver takes her shopping. Her favourite store sells gold and diamond jewelry for tourists and generals’ wives. When she returns from her expedition with a jade necklace that she did not pay for, she discovers that her beautiful villa is now a pile of rubble and smoke. All the servants are gone. In desperation, she calls her husband’s cell phone even though he does not like to be disturbed when he and his cronies are busy stealing the country’s resources, kidnapping children for its army, intimidating its citizens, or deciding whether to kill all its monks or simply beat them up and torture them. Nearly a minute passes before the Senior General can understand what his wife is saying.

Day Three:
General So Win, Prime Minister of Myanmar, stares at the puffy faces assembled around the oval table. His wife received a mysterious telephone call last night. Someone told her that the junta must transfer power to Aung San Suu Kyi or the junta will suffer terrible consequences. General So Win had a restless night. He dreamed a crowd of people pulled him out of his car and ate him alive. He is still absorbing the news that a guided missile blew up Senior General Than Shwe’s house when his cell phone rings. His hysterical wife tells him they are homeless.

Day Four:
The bleary-eyed generals sit around their oval table. Major-General Nyan Win, the Foreign Minister and a rising star among the junta, reports that all their homes were flattened by guided missiles and that no one has taken responsibility for the bombings. Senior General Than Shwe interrupts his report to ask for names of possible suspects. The Major-General says he does not believe any of the known rebel groups possess the kind of technology that would make such attacks possible.
The Senior General slams his pudgy fist on the table.
“Just tell me who is responsible for these terrorist acts!” he shouts.
“We are almost certain a nation is behind it, sir,” the Major-General replies with a squeal in his voice. “But we cannot rule out a radical group with wealthy backers. We doubt very strongly that any corporations are involved.”
The generals mull this idea over. They quickly eliminate all the nations that have enabled them to become multi-millionaires while Burma’s citizens live in poverty. China, their main enabler, cares only about doing business, and has no love for democracy or human rights. The same goes for Russia, India, the Asean nations, and the Europeans.
“What about the Americans?” asks one of the generals.
Senior General Than Shwe grunts.
“Don’t be foolish.” He notes that, in spite of George W. Bush’s recent pronouncements on Burma, the president still takes advice from Condoleezza Rice who maintains good relations with the junta-friendly American oil giant, Chevron. Two of John McCain’s former aides also maintain contacts with Chevron. No, the Americans may make noises occasionally but they would never harm the profit line of an American corporation.
The generals sit around their oval table with sullen expressions. They each stare at a copy of the dreaded pamphlet. None of them wants to ask what “terrible consequences” they may suffer if they don’t relinquish power.

Day Five:
A very nervous army captain bows to Aung San Suu Kyi outside her dilapidated villa.
“The generals have fled the country,” he says. “The army has no commander.”
The Lady stares at him and says nothing.
“We want you to be the Prime Minister,” the captain says finally. He begs forgiveness for everything the generals have done: for detaining the Lady for 18 years and for all the atrocities they have committed against their people.
The Lady forgives him and the army. Her unwavering belief in the power of nonviolence has been affirmed. The people of Burma celebrate the freedom they have waited for these past 46 years.

In the end, no one is killed. There is no invasion. Neither civilians nor soldiers waste their blood on a senseless war. The Chinese issue their usual statement, deploring the interference of any nation in the affairs of another nation. But they take no action. They can do business with anyone, even a peaceful Buddhist woman. And this is how freedom will arrive in Burma.